Auf Wiedersehen 2009 (in my head...)

8 AM in Brooklyn. 5 AM in San Francisco. 2 PM in Mannheim. December 31st 2009. Time to reflect.

2009 war ein gutes Jahr.
But then, all years seem good in retrospect. I am blessed with a great life. I am very healthy, which is the greatest gift.

My 'work' has been OK. I love coaching and want to do more of it. I am not sure if the 'recession' has affected my business. So far, the recession has been nothing but a phantom for me. I have heard, read, talked about it, but not witnessed it for myself. Lucky, I know.

This year I made an effort to tell 3 of my closest friends how I really feel about them. A kind of love letter for Christmas. That is very gratifying. I love to make people tear up. It's not a mean thing at all - it's just so nice to see that I touch them right to the heart.

One of my proudest moments: breaking my squash racket by playing. It had been over 10 years since I played the last time. I feel so 'sporty' breaking equipment through sheer force.

Band of the year for me: Phoenix. Lisztomania makes me happy.

Movie: Up, District 9.

Book: Meines Vaters Land.

Biggest accomplishment: Creating and leading my first workshop.

Missed opportunity: Get back into running.

As for plans for 2010: I want to laugh a lot, be relaxed. Really enjoy the moment and appreciate more.
I want my coaching business to soar. And I want to start to work on my long term plan to have a place in Berlin and Brooklyn. I love both places.

For all of you who read this, I wish peace of mind, awareness and a warm feeling in your belly.

We are all connected and LOVE is the awareness that we are!

Frohes neues Jahr, happy new year! And happy every moment to you.

What my clients taught me lately

By now you know, that I am a life and business coach. If you aren't familiar with coaching, go here to find out what it is about: www.softskillscoaching.com

I love coaching for various reasons. It is a great feeling to help my clients and notice how their lives get so much better. How they break out of their fears and limitations and dare to live the life they want.

Another reason I love it, is because I get a lot out of it myself. Each session with a client teaches me something. 

Here are 3 of the lessons I was reminded of lately:

1. PARANOIA SUCKS

Being paranoid doesn't get you anywhere. It paralyzes you and drives you crazy. You are spend a lot of time imagining things. The antidote to paranoia is connection. First breathe, then remember that it is most likely all made up. Then establish connectedness. Paranoia will vanish and there will be room for 'you'.

2. SMALL CHANGES IN YOUR ROUTINE CAN BE HUGE

Start to exercise more often, change your diet or cut out nicotine or alcohol. It can be life changing. My client is so enthused and she tells me she can focus better, has great energy and doesn't wake up in the morning with a '1000 pound elephant' on her chest, full of anxiety. She is more balanced and enthused about life and all the possibilities.

3. AUTHENTICITY IS A SUPER POWER

Be yourself and things will be easier. People appreciate authenticity. It's what most of us yearn for. It's not always easy and it might be scary. But if you dare to be yourself, you might be surprised about the welcoming reception. For me, being authentic is about being true to yourself and to your own values. It takes out the guess work. It gives me courage.

People don't need to be taught, but they need to be reminded. Thanks, clients, for reminding me. 

4.      

When I heard the Learn'd Astronomer - Walt Whitman

My sweet boyfriend Lenny showed me this poem after he read my last blog entry. I am honored that it reminded him of Walt Whitman:

When I heard the learn'd astronomer,
When the proofs, the figures, were ranged in columns before me,
When I was shown the charts and diagrams, to add, divide,
      and measure them,
when I sitting heard the astronomer where he lectured with
      much applause in the lecture-room,
How soon unaccountable I became tired and sick,
Till rising and gliding out I wander'd off by myself,
In the mystical moist night-air, and from time to time,
Look'd up in perfect silence at the stars.

                                      --- Walt Whitman 1865

How the sky looks today

Der Himmel ueber Berlin (literally: The sky over Berlin') is one of my favorite movies. It's called 'Wings of desire' in english. Highly philosophical and thought provoking.

Angels overhear our thoughts. So much noise. The constant chatter of our heads. I am trying to be more aware of it.

Der Himmel ueber San Francisco is nothing but blue today. I call it California-Blue. Being from Germany, this sky is special to me. Back home we might only get this color on the nicest summer days. we call it 'Kaiserwetter' - weather for a Kaiser. The sky also looks bigger in the US than in Europe. I am sure that there is a scientific explanation for it - I don't really want to know... I just love the sky as it is.... It's a sky you can get lost in and that seems to turn more blue the longer you look at it. And sometimes it quiets down the chatter in my head ;)

Catching up

A quick list of everything that happened since my last blog:

1. I went backpacking for 5 days from Mammoth to Yosemite. The first time backpacking EVER.
2. I had a life changing experience, taking a 3 day course: The Landmark Forum.
3. I developed an awesome workshop my coaching partner PJ Chan: From Dreaming to Doing.
4. Traveled to New York to hear U2 play in front 81 999 people, plus me.
5. I left the PC world and bought my first MacBook Pro - and LOVE it.
6. Made peace with my father and created the possibility for us to have a great loving and exciting relationship.

And that's all I can think of right now.

I feel great and productive and a lot of it has to do with everything I experienced in the last 7 or so weeks.

Backpacking was profound. For the first time I realized for myself what a great system the human body is. It was miraculous how fast it regenerated. A full day of hiking, with weight on your back...at night I felt tired and beat. My hips were tight and I ached. One night in a tent - crappy sleep with lots of interruptions (like BEARS), and still I would wake up refreshed and new the next morning.

The Landmark forum course changed my life in many ways. It really brought home the point that everything in my life is made up - that I am the one who decides what something means. And that there are a lot of 'stories' I just believe to be true. Just realizing this made me aware of the power I have in creating anything I want. And there was way more that was helpful to me. It is a 42 hour course after all and I will not even attempt to summarize it. If you are undecided about taking the class: take it! It is worth every penny.

Coming from a space of 'what's possible', it was a breeze to come up with our newest workshop: From Dreaming to Doing. We have so many exciting exercises and learning packed in this. It will make a big difference in people's lives and I am thrilled to be creating what is important to me and what has meaning....

The U2 concert was, as expected, outstanding. Being in a stadium with 82 000 people just blows my mind. I felt connected to the people, the music, the band and the causes U2 supports. I seem to feel that connection a lot when I go to visit our friends in Brooklyn. Connection rocks ;)

Mhm PC vs MAC - that was a big step for me. I made up that I can't spend the extra money for a MAC. After all I am from Germany and I was brought up in a frugal household. But after a more that frustrating experience with my 2 week old Dell, I had enough and converted. OMG! I am in a different world. A computer that works, is fast, beautiful...I could go on. All you Apple users - I know, I should have switched sooner.

The part of my father is worth another blog or a conversation...

I am glad I feel somewhat caught up. Thanks for reading!

All I know about Twitter...

I learned from Kenie and Steph...DANKE!

As promised in my last post, here is everything I learned (so far) about Twitter...

My lovely mentors covered the following items with me over the phone:

- purpose of twitter
- twitter core functionality: status updates, @replies, retweet (RT), and direct message (DM), tagging (#hashtag), and trending topics
- sharing links and imparting knowledge within a 140 character limit (bit.ly)
- twitter and other social networking platforms (tweetdeck)
- other topics? ;)

Purpose of Twitter:
Twitter is a Mikroblog - a way to share information quick and real time. It is limited to 140 characters which forces you to think and share the essence of information. Great way of bottom lining :) It's an aggregator of information (love that word, it's new to me). You can follow individuals and find out what they are up to. You can also follow e.g. businesses and find out about special deals. Or your favorite band. Or you can find out everything about one topic (more on that later).
There is almost no privacy on Twitter, so everybody can see what you wrote - with the exception of direct messages. So there is also a Twitter etiquette. Which I will not discuss here because there are great articles about that all over the web. Google it!

Status updates:
After you created your Twitter account, you are ready to go. The easiest thing is to send updates - pretty much like the status on Facebook, but limited to 140 characters.

@replies:
If you see a Tweet you like and you would like to respond to the person, you choose @reply. So, let's say you read my Tweet: 'writing my blog' - and you want to reply to me by saying: @nicolegruen - way to go!

Retweet:
If you would like to repost something you read, it's good manners to pay tribute to the person that posted it. You are re-tweeting and you label it. So let's say I posted a really interesting link to an article. If you retweet it, you would do so by typing: @nicolegruen cool article ....

DM:
Direct messages. This is self-explanatory

Tagging:
Now that is cool: You can look up any word you want and then see all the Tweets that are currently posted that include that word. You do this by 'hashtagging'. If I would like to see everything about life coaching, I enter #coaching in the search field and there you go!

Trending topics:
That's the most talked about topics on Twitter. You can see them on the right side of the home page...

Sharing links:
Because there is a character limit on Twitter, you need to make it short and sweet. That includes the links you would like to send out. And of course there are tools you can use to do so. One of them is: http://bit.ly/ You just go to the web site, enter the URL you would like to shorten and the tool will return a shortened link which you then can post.

Tweetdeck:
Another tool! That one pretty much combines Facebook and Twitter. Meaning that you can read all status updates there and that you can also send status updates to both. Twitter and Facebook simultaneously.

That's all I learned and I am using it. Today I installed TwitterFon. It's an application for the Iphone that allows you to do pretty much everything you can do on Twitter.

So I am still all fresh but for now I will play with Twitter and see how much fun I can have with it. It is already a lot of fun for me to go online and see the statuses of everybody I am following...

So - follow me on Twitter and I will follow you ;-)

Attemps on staying young

So it all started with a radio show a couple of months ago: http://www.kqed.org/epArchive/R901300900 . The guest William Deresiewicz had written an article for the Chronicle of Higher Education about modern technology http://chronicle.com/article/The-End-of-Solitude/3708). I will leave the interpretation of what was said and written to you.


For me it was clear: Facebook (FB) and texting are the devil and if I didn't want to be in the category of superficial, disconnected people, I'd better go and do something about it.


So I did - I went on to FB and I 'unfriended' all contacts that weren't my friends. I felt great.

And then I heard about Twitter - and dismissed it as another one of Satan's ways to destroy all deep communication between humans.


And on it went: I was anti-Iphone and whenever I saw a 'young' person text, I sneered....


It felt good to be self-righteous and on the path less traveled. It also felt a bit alone. And not so much fun. But hey, feeling right can't be beat - Right??


And then I learned a new word: LUDDITE. This is what I was told: Luddites where people that pretty much resisted modern Technology. And this is what Wikipedia is saying: "The Luddites were a social movement of British textile artisans in the early nineteenth century who protested—often by destroying mechanized looms—against the changes produced by the Industrial Revolution, which they felt were leaving them without work and changing their entire way of life."

OK - I was one of them and I also realized something else: I was getting OLD. Not my looks (of course...yet), but my views. My resistance to change and to go with the flow. This really bothered me. One of my best friends Agnes, passed away 2 years ago at the age of 94. I loved Agnes for her connectedness with all generations and her openness to pretty much everything.

And this is when I decided to ask my friends Kenie and Stephanie from Brooklyn (both in their 20's) to be my mentors. They gladly accepted and we had our first phone conference (with agenda and all) yesterday. Topic: Twitter.



I will blog about everything I learned in my next entry - just in case some Luddites are reading this.

Oh - and I am back full blast on Facebook, own an Iphone and started to Tweet.... it feels good to be reconnected.

A quote I read this morning in my daily mailings from 'Abraham' (a manifested entity, channeled through Esther Hicks....): "We must have objects of attention, that are ringing our bells, in order to feel the fullness of who we are"

This rings so true with me and fits another quote I love:
"People don't need to be taught, they need to be reminded".

It is so easy to get disconnected. On many different levels.

Now I want to focus on being disconnected from oneself. For me it means, that I don't know what to do. I wake up in the morning without direction and a little bit heavy already. Voices race through my head, making lists and plans. Tons of 'shoulds and 'have-to's...

The moment I can focus, the voices dissipate. And the way I focus is simple:
today I journaled. But other things help as well: making a list of what you are grateful for, workout, be quiet - and I am sure that each person has their own way of getting reconnected.

Focus is nothing else but 'objects of attention'. I will pay more attention to what gets me connected and maybe share in future.

For now - enjoy your day!

Checking back in

It seems like an eternity since I last wrote.

One month - not really an eternity, but almost.

I have been busy pursuing and implementing more of my dream. And my dream is to not only have a full practice of coaching clients, but also to be a public speaker and give workshops.

I premiered in both ;)

I was a panelist at the Democratic Women Forum of San Francisco and part of a great evening with the title: 'Polishing your professional persona'. I was nervous!
The good part was, that I got the outline of the evening 2 days before the event. Which meant I could prepare for it. And I did!

I kept telling myself the same thing I am telling my clients: "It's OK to be scared- no go, and do it anyway".

And yes, initially I was a bit tense, but then I thought I did a good job answering questions and just sharing my views. There were 2 more panelists: one on etiquette and one on job placement. The questions were broad but all related on finding a job and presenting yourself. They also touched on generation gap, gender and cultural differences.

I felt great afterwards and some people talked to me after the event - and 3 even showed up to my first workshop which was one week later.

FIRE UP YOUR LIFE! That was the title. My lovely co-coach presenter was PJ. We met in coaching school.

It was fun to prepare the evening with her and we settled on 3 topics:
Powerful questions
3 Levels of listening and
Quieting down your Gremlins (self-limiting thoughts).

18 people showed up! And it went pretty well. Lots of learning there. Most people participated and gave us detailed feedback. Which we asked for.

Now we want to use it to develop our next series of workshops.

So there is more interesting stuff to come!

Who I am as a coach

I want to believe that I am always ME. Coach or not. But I know that it is not entirely true.

As a coach I feel empowered. Empowered to speak the truth, to address things that are usually stepped around on or that are ignored or portrayed as not THAT bad or not THAT important.

As a coach I know, that everything is important. Why? Because it’s your life – it’s my life. And while we are at it, it should be the best life to be lived.

So as a coach I am aware of the importance of everything…and that ‘bullshit’ or stepping around important issues will not get you this best live all of us deserve.

As a coach I am an idealist. I am aware, that things count – and because they do, I want them to be ideal. I want my clients to experience ‘Lebensfreude’ – they joy of being alive, joy because and while they are alive. A joy that comes from your core and is infectious. My coach made up another word: ‘Lebensfriede’ – being at peace with live. Not struggling, but going with live.

Right now as a coach I give people courage, the courage to go for the 100%. It comes from a feeling, that it is possible. I see in my clients such longing and yearning to live life to its fullest. And of course I see fear. And self limiting believes. I see it in them, but I don’t buy into it for them. And this is why my coaching is powerful. I name it for them and invite them to step right over it: Fearful? – Let’s go!; You are uncertain? - Well, that’s OK; doubting you can?? -I know you can!

As a coach I am a 100% myself. The essence of Nicole: honest, compassionate, and authentic. And because I love my clients and am compassionate about their growth, I do not cut corners and I don’t avoid being uncomfortable. There are no compromises when it comes to who you want to be and who you want to become.

There is that word again: IMPORTANT. No panic, no fear, no uncertainty, no doubt. It’s important, because it’s precious. Nothing will ‘happen’ if you don’t live your best life. There is no threat, no dire consequence. Just a live that could have been more joyful.

And therein lays the tragedy. Nothing will happen. I want things to happen. Lots of them. Full of joy, excitement, fulfillment.

What are 'soft skills'?

Working in the IT (Information Technology) for about 15 years, I realized that a lot of emphasis is put on 'hard skills', meaning skills that can be measured. Like programming skills, engineering skills, marketing skills. But there is this invisible competency that one can feel, but not quiet name.

You feel if someone communicates well, is a people person, has charisma. Some people make it easy to be around and some don't. Some people seem to be always happy and content...and you know the ones who aren't. Soft skills refer to traits like communication, personality, how you engage with others. It's like building and fine tuning an antenna to see what's going on and to develop tools to deal with situations more successfully.


Most corporations know, that they want people with good soft skills, but they do not spend time and money to build them.

Here are a few suggestions.

Listening skills

There are 3 levels of listening.

Level 1: "It's all about me"
I hear what you say, but relate it back to me. I put your words in my context and already think about what to say next, but I focus on my own interpretation, prepare an argument and wait for my turn to speak. There is a big possibility of miscommunication and conflict if the listener always listens in level 1. There is no real connection between the listener and the speaker.

Level 2: "I am curious about you"
This comes from a place of curiosity. The focus is on the speaker. The listener is aware that there are many interpretations to what is said and instead of assuming to know, he will ask more questions to go deeper or just listen 'with an open ear'. The connection is stronger and the speaker doesn't feel as pressured as in level 1. This feels more spacious and less pressured. There is more room for learning

Level 3: "Feeling the vibes"
This refers to listening with all your senses. You develop an antenna to 'read a room'. What is the underlying mood here? Frustration, joy, quiet, boredom? Look around and you will be able to tell. By changing certain aspects, level 3 can be changed. For example people can change the position of their body or tone of voice. This is really powerful, especially in the work place.

Conversing

How would it feel to be comfortable communicating with everybody you know? Independent of social rank or the situation you are in.

Techniques to master crucial conversations and lead successful confrontations are easy to learn.
Most people I know do not feel comfortable with confrontations in general.

There are only a couple of rules to a successful conversation or confrontation:

1. Safety
It is important for everyone to feel safe. If people get defensive, loud or check out of the conversation, it is a indicator that you should being them back to feeling safe. There are many ways to do this, one is to share what you feel and how you want them to feel.

2. Focus
Focus on the real topic and don't get sidelined. Do it softly though, allow short 'excursions' but make sure that you are getting back on topic.

3. Real outcomes
Outcomes should be 'SMART'. Specific, Measurable, Attainable, Realistic and Timely. So be clear at the end of the conversation what will be done, by when and how you will know.

4. Follow up
Follow up on the conversation to make sure there is no clean up to be done.


Being authentic

This is a big one. When did we learn to not show our authentic selve? We make up stories on how we should behave and be. It feels great to be with someone that allows us 'to be myself'.

And this is a tough one to bring out in people. Coaching definitely is one way. Connecting clients to their values and making them aware how it feels to resonant, fear fades and the courage is stronger to be authentic more often.

I will think more about 'exercises' for this topic.

But just for now imagine a workplace that would encourage you to show the real you.

The importance of being present

I am convinced that the main key to happiness lies in the ability to center oneself and to become present. It is in the present moment that you can connect to your inner core.

As Joseph Campbell puts it: “The seed of the soul is there, where the inner and outer world meet”.

To me, that is a balance between ‘being’ and ‘doing’. This balance is reached through centering and awareness. It is hard to be aware worrying about the future or dwelling on the past.

A good way for me to center is, first to be aware that I am not present. I find that one indicator is to be aware of how I feel. If there is unease or heaviness, I am most likely ‘lost’ in space. To center, I breath and/or focus on my body.

Here is the space I want to be. Things calm down, seem softer and less noisy. Here I can connect to my core. To the essence of my being that knows what is resonant with me. Doubt fades. Wonder, excitement and awe come in.

Eckhart Tolle recommends an exercise:
Pick up any object. It doesn't matter what it is. Focus and breathe. Now really focus on the object. Look at it from a curious place. Like you never ever seen this. Observe your thoughts.

When I did this exercise, I picked up a pencil. I stared at it and felt really stupid. I sat on the sofa, wondering what people would think if they saw me like this. After a while I was able to focus. I realized what a cool thing a pencil was, that someone invented it, someone made it, it was brought to the US (probably from China), someone packaged it, sold it, it contributed to a salary of many people, it fed people, a tree grew, was felled, there is manual work involved… It did not stop and suddenly I felt ‘in awe’. After that I felt gratitude. And then pure connection to everything.

I believe that presence does that - connect you to what is and helps you to get even deeper.

Try it and tell me about it!

Bust those self-limiting thoughts...

My newest discovery: Byron Katie – 'The work'. A simple way of empowering.

Here the very condensed version on how it works:

Whenever you identify a thought that holds you back or is unpleasant, ask 4 simple questions:

1. Is it true?
2. Can you know that it is absolutely true?
3. Who are you, what happens when you believe this thought?
4. Who would you be without this thought?

Sit with each question for a bit and see what comes up.

I give you an example:

Thought: ‘I don’t have anything of interest to write about.’

1. Is it true?
   YES
   
2. Can you know, that it is absolutely true?
   Well, no… BUT I really feel this way.


3. Who are you, what happens when you believe this thought?
   I want to give up. I don’t even want to bother and sit down and try. It is so self indulgent. And why would people care about the stuff I write? There is so much out there and then there are blogs, and facebook, etc. I am frustrated and my energy is leaving me. I want to take a nap….


4. Who would you be without this thought?
   A writer? A writer in training. A person that just writes for the fun of it. Because it’s exciting and right now it is new to me and it’s fun. I wouldn’t care and just do…I like adventures. It might be interesting, it might not be interesting. There is only one way to find out… I feel so much lighter and have more energy. My outlook is ‘open’. I am motivated. I want to share my thoughts – and I will do so!
   

The next step after this is called ‘the turnaround’.

So, turn around the initial thought ‘I don’t have anything interesting to write about’. There are 3 ways described.

1. The opposite : “I do have interesting stuff to write about”
2. The other: “Other people will find my writing interesting”
3. The Self: “I find my writing interesting”

And when I go through the initial 4 questions with the new ‘turnaround’ thoughts, I come the conclusion that without those thoughts I would be STUCK. I chose those thoughts over and over and start to feel excited.

So get ready for way more interesting stuff I will write about. And check out Byron Katie – she has a great website