What are 'soft skills'?

Working in the IT (Information Technology) for about 15 years, I realized that a lot of emphasis is put on 'hard skills', meaning skills that can be measured. Like programming skills, engineering skills, marketing skills. But there is this invisible competency that one can feel, but not quiet name.

You feel if someone communicates well, is a people person, has charisma. Some people make it easy to be around and some don't. Some people seem to be always happy and content...and you know the ones who aren't. Soft skills refer to traits like communication, personality, how you engage with others. It's like building and fine tuning an antenna to see what's going on and to develop tools to deal with situations more successfully.


Most corporations know, that they want people with good soft skills, but they do not spend time and money to build them.

Here are a few suggestions.

Listening skills

There are 3 levels of listening.

Level 1: "It's all about me"
I hear what you say, but relate it back to me. I put your words in my context and already think about what to say next, but I focus on my own interpretation, prepare an argument and wait for my turn to speak. There is a big possibility of miscommunication and conflict if the listener always listens in level 1. There is no real connection between the listener and the speaker.

Level 2: "I am curious about you"
This comes from a place of curiosity. The focus is on the speaker. The listener is aware that there are many interpretations to what is said and instead of assuming to know, he will ask more questions to go deeper or just listen 'with an open ear'. The connection is stronger and the speaker doesn't feel as pressured as in level 1. This feels more spacious and less pressured. There is more room for learning

Level 3: "Feeling the vibes"
This refers to listening with all your senses. You develop an antenna to 'read a room'. What is the underlying mood here? Frustration, joy, quiet, boredom? Look around and you will be able to tell. By changing certain aspects, level 3 can be changed. For example people can change the position of their body or tone of voice. This is really powerful, especially in the work place.

Conversing

How would it feel to be comfortable communicating with everybody you know? Independent of social rank or the situation you are in.

Techniques to master crucial conversations and lead successful confrontations are easy to learn.
Most people I know do not feel comfortable with confrontations in general.

There are only a couple of rules to a successful conversation or confrontation:

1. Safety
It is important for everyone to feel safe. If people get defensive, loud or check out of the conversation, it is a indicator that you should being them back to feeling safe. There are many ways to do this, one is to share what you feel and how you want them to feel.

2. Focus
Focus on the real topic and don't get sidelined. Do it softly though, allow short 'excursions' but make sure that you are getting back on topic.

3. Real outcomes
Outcomes should be 'SMART'. Specific, Measurable, Attainable, Realistic and Timely. So be clear at the end of the conversation what will be done, by when and how you will know.

4. Follow up
Follow up on the conversation to make sure there is no clean up to be done.


Being authentic

This is a big one. When did we learn to not show our authentic selve? We make up stories on how we should behave and be. It feels great to be with someone that allows us 'to be myself'.

And this is a tough one to bring out in people. Coaching definitely is one way. Connecting clients to their values and making them aware how it feels to resonant, fear fades and the courage is stronger to be authentic more often.

I will think more about 'exercises' for this topic.

But just for now imagine a workplace that would encourage you to show the real you.